I feel as though I have lost my head... part of me is still in dreamland and hopes that when I wake up, I'll realize it has all been nothing but a nightmare.

Next week Wednesday I head to Sunnybrook for surgery, and nervous doesn't even begin to describe how I feel. Neva have I ever wished for a super power - something like the ability to freeze time... each day brings new fears with it. Today I went for my pre-assessment and as I sat in the waiting room, I felt as though I'd swallowed a hot potato. Just about anything could have triggered a downpour of tears.Ahha I have the right term(s) to describe how I feel - I am overwhelmed.

And you'd think by now I am used to the waiting rooms... but u neva get used to them. While most hospital staff are very pleasant, I feel as though a hospital waiting room is one deadly place. You look around and try and figure out why the other pple are there and I am sure they are doing the same. You see all sorts of things that make u even sicker than whne u came in. But that is nothing compared to the waiting room I have sat in as I wait to go for my ultrasound and/or mammogram. That one is the deadliest...it is very tiny, an in that small lil space are abt 4 lockers and 2 change rooms. There maybe about 6 or so chairs..and as we wait while dressed in hideous Hospital gowns nothing is worse than seeing all eyes on me with the most obvious question - wat is this lil one doing here. If Silence could kill, then no one dare walk into that waiting area. The only saving grace - if I should even call it saving is the telly that's on...wat do u kno they have the food network...like when I'm worried sick I could think of food... No one reads the Magazines in there...pple are just too busy clutching their purses and worrying abt the outcome...in that small world we forget abt the lastest Hollywood hook-ups, break-ups, scandals, cellulite, drastic weight gain or weight loss stories.

Then your name is called..and its in that room when u have been left alone, that is when u shed a tear to cry. At this point u don kno really why u are crying...could be the overwhelmed, fear combo. But u get your act together and by the time the technician... think tha'ts wat they are called come all the tears have dried..unless of course if your are like me and have tears that like to eascape from time to time.
Once u are done u put on your clothes...and forget abt that gruesome experience until u get the call from the doc's office 6 mnths down the road...and the whole cycle begins.

As I inch closer to Wednesday, I hang on to 3 things - the first being the amazing support of a few individuals, namely Sharon...who has been an anchor...she's been with me thru the thicks and thins and highs and lows of this journeys, and waited many a time for hours in waiting rooms for me. For Lynette, who not only has to deal with her own mother's battle with cancer, but has given every piece of advice she has, including the words I'll hang on to... to think positive because only my positive attitude can get me thru this, and Amy, who is taking a day off to come spend the day at the hospital with me on Wednesday , and for everyone who has kept me in their thoughts and Prayers.
The 2nd thing I hang on to is knowing that this is the beginning of the end...my whole breast-lump journey is coming to an end. This could mean no more hospital visits and undressing for just abt everyone in the medical field, and lastly and mostimportantly, I hang on my Faith in God,I know that he has seen me through all the stares, the pains the frustrations, and all moments of fear, and will continue to do so because I an do all things through Christ who strengthens me.